Jacoby Lee

Drinking spiced chai tea out of my favorite black mug and cuddling my baby as I watch the snow falling lazily from a grey sky outside the window. It's cozy inside next to the heat register and I feel blessed and so thankful for my life.

 

I've always had this mindset that God must really hate women. We have a period every month and if we want kids we have to be pregnant for 9 months and deliver them... etc.

 And while I've always felt like the best thing in the world was to be a mom it seemed like a huge unfair sacrifice... Until I got pregnant. 

I had the privilege of growing a baby for 9 months, 90% of the time I loved it! 

Going through labor was harder than I could have ever imagined and I didn't think I was going to make it through but then I heard his first cry and they handed me my tiny naked little baby. That's a moment I will never forget; finally meeting my son. I knew then that I would do it all over again. 

I felt more deeply than ever how much my mom loved me and how blessed I am to be a woman and a mother. 

The price we pay to bring our children into this world is so small in comparison to the huge blessing we get in return, a few short months and we forever have the biggest gift in the world... the privilege of being mommy.

I've spent the past 3 weeks staring at Jacoby, cuddling, kissing, and changing him, feeding him and watching my little man grow and change and develop every day. I can't get over how beautiful and

perfect he is. 

 

I never knew I could wake up every couple hours during the night to tend to someone's needs and be ok with that. To devote my waking hours catering to his needs and wants, but I love it!

Jacoby is the best gift I've ever received. 

 

I know I'm still in the 

baby stage and it's going to get so 

 much tougher but right now it hardly seems that's possible. 

 

   I'm so thankful for my family especially my mom and sisters who have loved me and supported me through this all and helped and took care of me. I wish so much that every new mom had someone to give them this much support. 

 

  

And more than anything I still marvel at God's love! Thinking about Him giving me a child to make me take responsibility and turn my life around instead of something awful like He could have, or turning His back completely and giving up on me, makes me tear up every time. His grace amazes me!

Waiting...

Patience isn't a strength of mine. I hate waiting! One of the hardest parts of this pregnancy for me has been waiting. I've had a lot of false labor which makes it much worse. This last Friday was terrible. I had set my mind on having this baby and I wanted him now! I was angry at God for not giving me the baby already and frustrated with the baby for not coming. I just felt out of control. Finally I surrendered once again to God's timing. I've been having contractions all today and part of yesterday and am trying not to get my hopes set in case its false again. As I was praying about it this morning I opened my daily verse on my bible app and it was Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It was so comforting l. Reminding me that God is in control. He will bring this baby into the world when the time is right and in the mean time I'm eagerly (and not always so patiently) waiting to meet my little one.

Dad..

Note: wrote this father's day n didn't post it but every day should be a day to appreciate the ppl in our life so really it's fitting anytime :)

My mom has always told us children we have a good dad. She reminds us of his great qualities and strengths. Honesty integrity and diligence. He's set an example of being an upright and godly man. Its taken me most of my teenage years and a lot of healing to see these qualities in him.
For a while all I could see was his human qualities. But I'm finally to the point where I can look back and honestly be thankful for him. No one parents perfectly but he's been a good dad.
I regret the fights we had now, the horrible things I said at times, chaining him out of my heart. The years of time with him I lost.
Dad is a people person. He's good at taking time for relationships, including us.
Every year he has made a point to make time and money to bring us to the North Shore as a family. Dad is good at just forgetting the world and focusing on making memories with us during these trips.
Dad has been one of the best examples of believing in people I know. He always thinks the best of people even after they've let him down.
We had some really rough years but he never once gave up on me. He may not have always been there for his family like we thought he should but he's worked hard to give us the best life and I appreciate that.
Today, I am thankful for him being in my life. Happy fathers day dad!

Healing

"Can I ask a question?"
"I'm always up for a question."
"When you ask forgiveness does peace come right away?"
It caught me off guard a bit. Got me thinking. Does the peace come immediately? I thought back to the night my life changed. I couldn't sleep, the thought kept haunting me 'what if I don't wake up tomorrow?' I finally gave in and told Him 'fine you can have my life but you're gonna have to do the work'. And I think the peace was immediate because I don't remember anything after that, all I know is I fell asleep.
That night I didn't ask forgiveness but I had made a step in that direction. My heart was willing and it was good enough for Him.
Since then He has brought things to me... little things, big things, things I never even realized were sin and in asking forgiveness He gives me peace.
So I told him yes.
"If you truly get free and are genuine about it...yes the peace is immediate."
He doesn't always give us peace without a struggle though. There are many things I've struggled with over and over and even though I long to be free and I know every time I ask He forgives me for failing again, I find myself back where I started.
Peace comes with freedom and freedom comes with a price.
But when you do find that freedom you find healing.
Just months ago I was so lost and desperately empty. The pain had gotten to a point I never thought I could heal from. Regrets dragged at me and I was so broken I couldn't imagine what being ok felt like.
Tonight I realized how much my view of life and  people has changed. I can see the good in people again...even men. I even look at myself differently. I'm truly confident in who I am and in my worth.
That is what comes with forgiveness. Not just peace but freedom and healing too! And why wait? What is there to lose by asking for it... absolutely nothing!
Psalm 82:5
You forgave the iniquity of your people you covered all of their sin...
I love that. Over and over in the last couple of days the verses jumping out at me have been about God forgiving us. Being ready to forgive us over and over no matter how many times we mess up.
Legalism bothers me... religion. Because that's not what God intended!
"I feel like I have more peace than most Christians. I have a hard time believing it's real."
Yeah me too sometimes... but it shouldn't be! Its not about how you dress or talk or where you go to church. None of those make you a better person! Christianity isn't a rule book. Christianity is a relationship with our Creator!
People get too hung up on how you look and act, judging your actions .. I'm guilty of it. But its just a waste of time. Too much time is focused on each others faults and not enough on showing people Christ. Encouragement goes further than criticism. And it's never too late for healing and forgiveness with God.

Dying

He's drowning, each time he resurfaces gasps for one last breath before being sucked back into death's grip, he's thinking this is it. By some miracle his friend sees his danger and adrenaline propels him against the current to the boat and drags it back the 15 feet to the drowning man. One more time going down and he would have been done. Watching from the shore, utterly helpless are his brother and sister in law.
The scene that seemed to last years is over in minutes.
When he talks about it now I tear up. The realization that we came that close to losing him is horrifying. Sobering.
When you stare death in the face and survive it shakes you to the core.
One night late I was driving my drunk friend home, she waspassed out in the passenger seat.I crossed a highway after looking both ways and seeing no one. I was hardly to the other side when headlights sped past me in my rearview mirror. I hadn't seen them and I barely missed them. Impact like that would have killed her for sure maybe both of us.
People die every day in the least expected ways and moments. You can't go through life fearing death but it should make you think. Are you ready? If you died today would you be ready to meet your Maker?
His mercy amazes me, extending grace day by day telling death "they are not ready yet don't take their soul I'm not done with them."
How many chances will He give us though? How many times will He intercede? Death is not something to take lightly. Its never too early to be ready tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Before the Dawn

I want to give up.
We all are so close to giving in.
Weary knees and prayers that seem to fall on deaf ears.
Watching him being torn apart day by day.
She's like a wrecking ball.
He's too weak to stand against the attacks. Even stone wears down and crumbles. And us humans aren't made of steel, bendable but not breakable.
Our aching hearts can't hold on much longer. There comes a point when all the pain gets so much you quit feeling.
It feels hopeless.
But then I'm reminded, it took almost six years of seemingly unanswered prayers, fasting, loving, advice that I just turned away from. It took me hitting rock bottom and making a mess I could never fix, putting myself and my family through things we never should have had to go through. And yet they kept praying and loving and God kept working until we broke through to a better place.
All the desperate pleas for this to end aren't being sent to an empty heaven. There is a God up there, holding us together, even if it is just barely, while we walk through this. And there is a God with a plan still working in His child's heart.
We can feel the struggle and pain  and that is how we know there's still hope.
If God hasn't given up neither can we.
It is always darkest before the dawn. Right now it's hell of dark we can feel the struggle intensify and our hearts yearn for a break through.
But we can't give in now not when morning is so close, not before this story is over...

A mother's love

Sitting through the graduation ceremony for my brother was a mix of being proud of him for not only finishing highschool but graduating from the tech as an honor student as well, and a deep sense of failure. Tears forced their way as I admitted this to mom. I'm so happy for him but it hurts because I feel like I've failed. Where did all my goals and motivation go to? Graduate by 16 from highschool, college and marriage by 18. I had dreams. And somewhere through the teenage years they got lost. I dropped out of highschool. Failed college and end up pregnant 6 months before my 18th birthday. Not the way I planned it.
The next day I check my email and mom sent me a blog post by a blogger she follows on motherhood. As I read the post and heard my moms words, "you are not a failure Anna. Education was never my dream for you, I was okay with it but motherhood, that's lasting!" My understanding of a mother's love and the blessing it is, grew a little.
I've said it before but I'm going to say it again today. I am amazed at my mom's love for me and so thankful for her. Over this last 6 months especially when everything has been so rocky my mom has become my best friend. Something I never imagined she would be. I tell her things I don't tell my girls even. And in return she has shared with me and showed me her true self. Mom has never pretended to be someone who had it all together never made anyone feel like she's better than them.
Through the last six years of life I've done everything I possibly could have to hurt her and make her give up but even when I wore her so thin she came close she continued to love and pray for me. And though at times I wanted her out of my life I'm so thankful I have her still. The support she has been in my life is beyond amazing.
Thank you mom for choosing life. For choosing to be mom and be there for us kids for always having time and encouraging words and for reminding me often how rewarding and wonderful being a mom is!
Happy mothers day to you mom and to all the mother's out there past present expecting or those who never got to experience motherhood past pregnancy! You have the hardest and most wonderful job anyone could ever have.

Footprints

     Surrender isn't a one time thing. 

     Surrender is a continuous battle with self to '...raise our white flags...'* to give the pen back to God. 

     It is a pen too, that's why when we write our stories they're such a mess. We continually make mistakes and have to scribble them out. The paper ends up a mess of sin stains and failure, illegible scribbling. But when He writes, the penmanship is beautiful and there's not a single mistake. So why then do we feel the need to be in control? 

     There's such a peace that comes with surrender, knowing that He is in control.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

-Romans 8:28 NIV

     The first little while of this new walk with God was easy. I felt Him right next to me, He felt so real, I could hear Him talking to me, most of my quiet moments were spent praying, I felt victorious in Him. Then something happened and I clammed up, I got scared. I told someone once,  

     "Every time I get close to someone, I shut down 'cause I'm too afraid."  

     I'm afraid that it's not real. I felt like those fears were confirmed in His silence, like He had left me. I was trying to control my own destiny again. I was stressed out, depressed, I felt deserted. I mentioned this to mom and she reminded me of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" 

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from 

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord, 

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during 

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

-Mary Stevenson 

     A couple of years ago I was in a girls' bible study, I don't really remember much of what was taught but one illustration has stuck out to me and is still clear in my mind, the image that the leader gave us of our hands being clenched into fists, holding onto what we have because we are too afraid to let go, but if we open our hands to Him, He is waiting to give us something so much better. 

     That day when I realized my fists were clenched again, I felt forsaken and so I'd taken everything back into my hands forgetting to trust Him and forgetting the promise in Deuteronomy 31:6b 

...He will never leave you nor forsake you.

     I gave it back to Him. 

     This morning the words that wrote themselves on my diary's pages were these,  

"I feel so calm about everything right now..."  

     He gave me peace. 

     

     Peace and joy about this pregnancy I've been fighting against.

     Peace about that boy that's been depressing me. 

     

     Peace about the job I so want.

     And peace about moving. 

     I got an unexpected call from a friend Saturday morning while I was making breakfast. During our conversation we talked about surrender.

     "Surrendering our lives to God is so hard sometimes." I told him, pouring another pancake into the hot pan.

     "It is!" he agreed, "But when we do get to that place, it is such a good feeling!" 

     I've realized that he is so right! When we finally can open up our hands, hold them skyward and with all of our hearts say, "Your will be done God!" the calm is absolutely amazing! 

     I'm not a hundred percent clear of the dark, but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see that the single set of footprints behind me are His not mine, and that He is carrying me!

*White Flag - Chris Tomlin

     

The Struggle

 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

 And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the Lord; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (KJV)

It must be frustrating to God, finally winning a soul into his kingdom and then Satan swoops down trying to take it back. The war between the spiritual worlds, between God and Satan, the believers praying and Satan attacking. It's discouraging at times when all we can feel is the darkness and it closes in so oppressing on us as we struggle to fight it off.

 

The last few days have been a struggle for me. A struggle to remain a follower. I can just feel the draw back, the tempting voice;

"It's too hard it's never going to get easier. Look at what you're being asked to give up, all the fun and pleasure of the world, people, relationships and for what?" 

A couple of nights ago I hit a horrible low, God just seemed to disappear, His silence terrified me, the thought that last summer was going to be repeated and I was going to lose my faith again made me ache. I fought the darkness, screaming at God, 

"No! I won't let You go this time! I won't lose You again, You can't leave me God! Please stay with me!" I begged and cried feeling desperate and lost. 

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:13

The verse that God has given to me, the promise that when we seek Him with all of our heart, we will find Him. And He's not silent forever. 

Tuesday was a great day, I had coffee with mom, supper with Grandma and then got to see the new movie God's Not Dead in theater with Aaron, Sarah and Carrie, but laying in bed, probably over tired, still discouraged and feeling so alone, I cried out to God, 

"I can't do this anymore! I feel so discouraged, I just want to give up, it's too hard. I'm done trying it's on You." I cried to Him for probably a good hour, just begging Him to be there for me, give me something or someone.

I was exhausted but couldn't sleep, and then my cousin started texting me. We don't talk much and usually it's late at night but she is always a mood lifter and encouraging. Around 12:30 she finally went to bed and I told the other friend I was talking to that I needed sleep. He's always been my 'bestie' we talk quite a bit and are pretty close but rarely share too deeply. We said good night, I turned over exhausted and tried to get comfortable when my phone went off once more, 

"...and hey I just wanna say ur the best friend someone could ask for and I'm glad ur my best friend I love you bestie :) ur awesome..."

I think I almost cried, realizing what God had done. The thing is, this friend and me, we don't usually talk like that, and he could have had no clue how down I was, I had been trying to be positive all day. 

It's amazing how God looks out for us, He stretches us but never breaks us. He knows us each intimately and knows what we can handle. The Christian life may seem all hard, when sometimes He asks us to give up everything, to walk by faith, blindly following Him into the darkness of unknown paths. But with surrender, comes peace and joy, He doesn't ask us to obey to hurt us or make our lives hard, He asks us to give up the world so that we can have something so much better, eternity with Him! The knowing that when this life is over we have Heaven to look forwards to, and that is by far more amazing than anything that we could enjoy on earth. 

God, I need you!

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this!"?

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now!*

I'm singing these words with all of my heart over and over as I wash dishes. The house is empty as everyone else is at church so I keep replaying the song. "God, I need you now!" I'm silently crying out for strength. 

Last night I realized something again as I drove home alone, begging God to keep me awake and bring me safely home; God, I need you! As I worked to stay between the lines pretty much alone on the road, I had a conversation with God that went like this, 

 

Me: What if I died tonight? But God has plans for my life, He wouldn't let me die yet, and the baby, He has a reason for bringing my baby into this world. My time isn't now. God, You wouldn't let me die yet. What about that one person that I feel You're wanting me to share You with?

God: Anna, You think I NEED you to make my plans work out? If I can bring you into their life, I can bring someone else!

Wow! That realization brought me back down to Earth real quick. God doesn't NEED me! I might be blessed enough to be a part of His plans for someone's life, but it's not about me! It's about Him! He doesn't NEED any of us! So just because I strongly feel that God has a plan for my life, I don't know what that is and it doesn't mean that He needs me! It doesn't mean that He needs me here! I realized that God could use my death as much as my life to touch people. And I had to come to the point where as much as I want to live, I want to see my baby and my grandchildren, I want to see what happens with my life. God's plan is the best plan and if He is going to use my life or if He is going to use my death, I'm okay with that. I get so prideful thinking I'm something special, I'm not! 

I've had several people who I've shared with, my struggles and what I'm learning through trusting God and giving up, telling me I've been an encouragement to them. This is so humbling and exciting to me. The fact that I screwed up the first eighteen years of my life story struggling to find something to fill up the emptiness, trying to make the story a good one, and finally when I've got writers block so bad, I can see the story is a mess and never will be any good as long as I keep writing it. I lay down the pen and God steps in and says see all these mistakes? See everything about this story that you think is a failure? I'm going to take these pages and I'm going to make this story amazing beyond your wildest imagination. I'm going to take the scars and your broken dreams and turn them into something so beautiful you could never have dreamed up something this wonderful. The fact that God turns my deepest struggles, my weakness into something that can be a testimony for Him is beyond me.

And He never gives up on us! That's the thing that amazes me most about His love. No matter how bad we screw up, how many times we get turned around or fail, He's always there for us waiting like the father of the prodigal son, waiting with welcoming arms and forgiveness, unconditional love regardless of what we have done. A friend shared this verse with me this week;

 "Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with Him, we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him. If we disown Him, He will also disown us; if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself!" -2 Timothy 2:11-13  

The part I underlined, ...if we are faithless, He will remain faithful... really stuck out to me. No matter who we are or how much we sin, God remains the same!  

I want so bad to be consumed by Him! Passionately follow Him and shine His love to the world. I don't want to be half way in, lukewarm or mediocre I want to be on fire and one with Him! When I was praying about this, asking God to let me be a testimony to the world, He showed me that if we want to be trusted with God's big jobs, we have to learn to be faithful in the small things. In order to love the world, I have to start right here with my little corner. His greatest lessons, His boot camp starts right here with my family. The people who know me and my imperfections and who I know their's. If I can learn to love and serve the people right here surrounding me right now, my brothers and my sisters, if I can love and respect my parents, God can use me to touch the world. I'm looking for a mission and I already have one right here, my friends need to hear about God as much as anyone, and my family needs love just as much as anyone else out there. 

He is so good! So patient and loving. Forgiving, giving me grace again and again as I lose faith, stumble in this journey and mess up. The grace and love He has shown me, just in this last week amazes me! I am so thankful for hope and forgiveness! 

*The lyrics that started this post off are from  Need You Now (How Many Times) by Plumb. 

Worshiping People and Trusting God

     Last July I met a guy. I'm pretty sure I was in love with him by the second time I hung out with him. Every text gave me butterflies. I'd be walking through the halls at college grinning like an idiot reading his texts. I'd count down the hours until he got off work, or until I got out of class and I could go hang out with him. I didn't get that long with him before he went back home to visit and a situation came up.
     After a month of having no possible contact with him, he facebooked me. Eventually he came back for a visit with his parents and I got to see him. I was so excited and nervous, but at that point I had changed, I had been dealing with people, things, I had convinced myself of things and opening back up to him terrified me. I think he wanted a relationship. I told him I wasn't ready.
     I was on and off with different guys, hookups mainly, nothing serious. All the time still thinking about him, occasionally we kept in contact. I lost his number at some point, one of the many times I changed phones.
     In December he got a girlfriend. I was pretty lost. I had a hookup at that point but it still hurt watching him date someone else even if we never talked. But I was happy for him, hoping she was good to him.
     There had been so many times that I wanted to facebook him, see how he was, but I didn't wanna open that book back up.
     On a chance a few months later, in a moment of weakness, I messaged him and he responded. We talked, catching up a bit, I found out he didn't have a girlfriend anymore and silently rejoiced. I tried going to see him once recently and it didn't work. But the next time it did. I spent almost a solid twenty four hours with him. The best twenty four hours I had ever spent.
     Anyone who knows me well, knows I think marriage is stupid. In fact I never planned to get married before that weekend with him. Commitment terrifies me. I figured I'd find a nice guy eventually I could live with and settle down but never say "I do". I came back from seeing him, realizing two things, what I had been saying all along about always loving him no matter what, was true. And I wanted to get married... to him.
     A couple of years ago I realized that being "on the fence" wasn't okay, I had to get down on God's side or the world's side. I got down on the world's side. Since then I've fought the feelings that I needed God and I needed to change my life around. Until about a month ago, I couldn't sleep for anything and "What if you die tonight?" was nagging in my mind "There's no guarantee you'll wake up if you fall asleep right now." The thought finally sunk in and I gave up fighting. I told God He would have to do the work but my life was His.
     Weeks before this though, I had been struggling hard with this and I asked God to give me something to help me because I couldn't give up smoking and drinking on my own and I felt like those were two things that had to go for me to change. I had to have something keeping me away from partying with the friends I had.
      Don't bargain with God! lol After weeks of 'just knowing' I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Within two days I quit smoking and I had already been unable to drink. My body wouldn't tolerate the alcohol so I quit partying. It was only a week or two after this that I gave in to God.
     Long bunny trail done.
     Since I got home from seeing this guy the last time, I have talked nonstop about him. This time, he was the one that said he didn't want a relationship, we could talk, be friends, he just didn't want a long distance relationship at this point. I feel like there's more that factors into that and I understand but it doesn't help.    
     After fighting off depression for a couple of days, I started praying about it. I have begged God to take these feelings away from me. I've asked that He'd make a way for us to be together... if it was His will. (I'm done asking for things in MY will as hard as it is not to.)
     Today was especially rough. I broke down talking to mom about it.
     "I have never felt like this about anyone. If he showed up and asked me to marry him, I wouldn't hesitate a moment! I'm so afraid for him. I keep praying about it, and praying that God would send someone to tell him about God and I keep feeling like God is telling me it's me!" I was having a hard time talking through tears. "I'm so terrified, I'm not okay with that. I'm hardly coming back to God myself I don't know how to talk to him!" Talking to her helped a bit.
     Later I was talking to a guy friend though, he's in a situation pretty much the same as mine. I felt terrible talking to him, when he had mentioned it to me earlier in the week I'd brushed it off, hardly sympathetic. He always seemed to be in these situations, it would pass.
     And then here I was in this situation, sobbing so hard I kept having to take deep breaths and long pauses to be able to talk and he kept telling me it was okay. I managed to get it all out, just talking, stringing words and thoughts together I hardly knew were there in my mind and had no clue if they made sense but he understood and after listening until I was all talked out his advice was to be patient.
     "If something's worth having, it's worth waiting for." He told me. The thing that stuck out most to me in what he said, that kind of put the whole situation into a different perspective for me, was that sometimes God doesn't allow us to have something because it's become an idol to us, we love it more than Him and He doesn't want anything between a relationship with us and only when we can love God more than that person or thing, will He give it to us.
     Words scrawled in one of my last diary entries;
     I'm so in love with everything he is, everything he does. I absolutely adore him. To love him the rest of my life would make me perfectly happy. I'd do anything for him. I love him!
     When he said that, I realized that I was dangerously close to making this man my idol, loving him and wanting a relationship with him more than my new relationship with God.
     I have no doubt that this man may be a big part of my future. Either way I know that he is in my life for a reason.
     God can see the whole picture. God sees my future, He knows what the outcome of my life is going to be. I don't. I can only see today. I'm a fragile human. Like Peter when he tried to walk to Jesus on the water, I'm quick to jump out of the "boat" and "walk to Jesus" but I'm also quick to second guess and be afraid. I've always tried to control my world, to make it safe, write my own story. Giving it to God saying "If it's you're will." is hard! But so far, nearly eighteen years of writing my own story has shown me I'm not a very good author.
     Realizing that God's timing is perfect and if this is His will, it will happen in His time and it will be beautiful gave me peace tonight. Giving it up to Him seems so hard, letting go of control, but in the end the peace makes me wonder why I didn't trust God sooner. And now instead of praying "God please let me have him if it's Your will." my prayer is "God please help me to give him up unless it is Your will and in Your time."

     
     

My Baby Sister, My Hero

15 years ago a tiny perfect baby girl joined our crazy family. 15 years ago I never expected that new baby sister would turn out to be my best friend, much less my hero.
We've made so many awesome memories. Dreamed so many crazy impossible childish dreams that at the time seemed so real and so possibly within reach. I think as children our capacity to believe is so much bigger than it is as adults.
Blissfully innocent days braiding dandelion chains and roaming 160 wooded acres. Tree forts, horse back riding, playing house, experiencing farm life.
Somedays I just wanted rid of her, she drove me nuts. Mom would always tell me that someday Sarah would be my best friend. I didn't believe her then but now I know moms know nearly everything.
If I need an ear to listen Sarah's there. Putting up with me. My messes my crazy moods and emotions. She's a shoulder to cry on when I need it but she's got the tough love down and she's not afraid to use it. The things she tells me make me wanna slap her and hug her at the same time because its exactly what I didn't want to hear but exactly what I needed to be told. She has so much talent and motivation and wisdom. Passion and compassion. She's not afraid to dream big. She's a strong woman, not afraid of tears.
She has an eye for fashion and always is stylish and fresh looking. But she knows how to be a bum and despite constant new sugar fasts and healthy diets and all her dressing up she knows how to be a bum and dress comfy curl up with munchies and a good book or just chill and talk. She is absolutely brilliant, dramatic, elegant hilarious, and painfully honest. She's everything I wish I would have been at her age... And even now.
Sarah, i know i say this all the time but you are beautiful and talented and to be perfectly honest you are my hero. Never change who you are because who you are touches lives, ones that you never realize even. You have the biggest heart and I know you're going to change the world even if its just a tiny corner, through wherever you end up. Ill love you forever and even though sometimes I already feel like your younger sister, you'll always be my baby sister!!!<3

Blessings

I had a regular come in this morning with his son who has some slight mental handicap. He wanted to pay so he counted out the dollar bills some were crumpled 'I can't use those' his dad told him he could he was a few dollars short so they had to count out change. His dad kept thanking me for my patience but really I should have thanked them for the smile he put on my face. His cheerful attitude and sense of humor was great and I had nothing better to be doing. I'very always admired the happiness and innocence of those people.

Ive been fighting a bad attitude towards work and wear all day and what's better to boost a mood than listing your blessings?

Today I am thankful for my dad getting up at 6 AM to drive me to work since it was too cold for my car to start.
- that the sun is shining, makes -22 feel a little less cold.
-coffee to start my day off wake me up and warm me up on break.
-thankful that my coworkers that made it so far have been in good moods.
-good customers so far today.
Honestly I'm just thankful that God has allowed me one more day and another  chance to make a difference in the world. May He give me the grace to not mess it up.

What are you thankful for today?

Models in Magazines

     The following post is going around Christian/homeschool circles on facebook;

Sincerely, One of Many Girls Who Care

     Maybe I took the wrong thing from her message, but somehow her apologizing to men for all the naked models and immodesty in today's society frustrated me and I couldn't help thinking, what about the women and girls who are falling for these things, dressing in the most revealing outfits possible, starving themselves and loading their faces with makeup just to be pretty and to get a guys attention, because the images that men are looking at and comparing us to are unrealistic! Men are not the only ones who suffer from all the ads on TV and all over shopping malls, or in magazines. Women suffer just as much.
     Maybe we as women should cover up and protect our men, but what happened to men being men and protecting women? Being the strong ones, the ones who say, 'You are beautiful regardless of makeup or how much skin you're showing! You are beautiful because your heart is beautiful and you don't need to whore yourself or cover up your beauty, or sleep with every boy to prove yourself?' 
     I'd like to see men step up and start being the men that God intended them to be; leaders. God created women the 'weaker vessel' and yet it seems so often we have to be the strong ones protecting men. Something is wrong with this picture!
     I am in NO WAY excusing the slutty behavior and dress of so many of us women today. Only questioning the fairness of laying all the blame on them.

    Another interesting post on modesty:

How "Modesty" Teachings Hurt Men Too

With Arms Wide Open

Feeding me, changing my diapers, waking up in the middle of the night to take care of me as a baby. With 6 other children I'm sure she was exhausted. Then a few short years later, everything a battle with me. A new baby to care for and my stubborn attitude. And through those years that I was growing and learning she encouraged my dreams understanding a childs need to imagine and their curiosity. Told us stories, spent hours reading to us and teaching us, sharing her passion for art and music, taught me to read and write, critiqued my work and encouraged every silly dream I had. She showed us through her example how to work hard and to love and accept people to give and be a good friend.
Too early the dark days hit and I began my trek to hell. I shut the world out including her. Every once in a while Id let her in but then Id close back up. And yet she was there for me, patient with me. Hardly 14 when I decided Id had enough and I left. It didnt last more than a few months but those were the months that I found my own wings, the freedom I had longed for. In those months away from home I started smoking aand drinking, I lost my virginity... All the things she was protecting me from and I thought I wanted.
Sneaking out, getting in trouble, I said terrible hateful things. I damn near got her to give up on me like I thought I wanted.
Didnt listen to the woman married for over 30 years when I got into my first relationship and thought I was in love. Nearly married the boy but she wouldnt give her blessing. Im lucky she didnt.
Ive left and come home like the prodigal son over and over and she's always welcomed me with open arms.
Ive failed Ive hurt her...purposefully sometimes. My life is a wreck. Im sure when they laid a pretty baby girl in her arms. When she looked into that tiny red face and chose to name her Anna Marie... Im sure she didnt expect me to turn out like this and yet she still loves me with unconditional love and she believes in me, believes that I can run even though right now I can hardly crawl. Shes listened to me hugged me cried with me been my friend bandaged my cuts, took care of me when Im sick and always had time. My mom is my hero and as terrified as I am of karma kicking my butt as a mom theres nothing I want more than to someday follow in her footsteps and raise and love my own child like she loves me.

Resolve

When the seconds ticked down nearing the first midnight of 2014 I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to make any resolutions for the new year. I never keep them past January anyways and so I just set myself up for failure and I did enough failing in 2013. But the more I thought about it the more I realized I don't need to make any world shaking goals for myself but if I make no goals I won't get far. So instead of resolving to lose weight or get my diploma and a degree my goals for this year are not to 'lose so many pounds' but to eat healthy and to exercise more. Not just to quit smoking and drinking but to take care of my body. Not to be brilliant and say i have a college degree but to stick to what i started and to finish well.
I've been trying to prove myself to the world trying so hard not to disappoint anyone not realizing I have nothing to prove. The people that matter accept and love me how I am.
This year Im resolving to accept myself make small goals and work on the little things one at a time until I'm where I want to be.
Did you make any new year resolutions yesterday?