Sold Out

     I don't need God in my life, just one more person I have to answer to, one more person taking mom and dad's side and judging me for being rebellious.

     My counselor chuckles and then apologetically reads to me what he found amusing. Of course he would. He's a Christian.
     Last session I found it hard to open up and put into words my feelings. It's a challenge for me to try to express myself verbally, I'm often out of touch with my feelings, purposefully I suppose, out of touch so it's easier to ignore how I feel. So Derrick asked me to journal for him. It was easy journaling, the words just flowed, but then sitting there on the comfy, tan love-seat in his cluttered, homey office, the yellow, spiral bound notebook on my lap, knowing he's going to read it. I suddenly feel vulnerable.
     I watch him read, mostly trying to avoid his face, his eyes, those hazel eyes so intense pulling down my walls, searching my heart, challenging me to put into words what's in my heart, challenging me to find healing. I know I can trust him, I know he cares, I respect him and I'm ready for something, anything, to help me out of the mess I'm in, I'm ready to listen.
     "Can I represent God to you in a different way?" he asks after a few minutes.
     "You can try." He reads three passages from the old testament. God is a God of judgement, God is a God of mercy, He is a God of love and compassion, He's longing for a relationship with me, He's longing for a heart in love with Him, passionately for Him. He doesn't want burnt offerings, He wants our hearts! We could go through the motions all our lives, but to Him, a day of truly loving Him with our whole heart would be worth far more.
     The way he's representing God, so passionate and wild... there's nothing tame and dull about it. It's the passionate relationship I've longed for. I fight tears as he reads and as we talk, I long so much to give up my pride, give up my heart and my own will... but something still holds me back. I'm not ready yet! I still want my own way.
     He goes to copy off some work sheets for me and I sit alone in his office, scanning his bookshelves, Run Baby, Run by Nicky Cruz catches my eye. I read that book and was so inspired, a couple of years ago, reading that book was one of the things that made me realize I really wanted to work with gangs and prostitutes in the slums, bring them hope, but in order for me to bring them hope and healing, I have to first find it.
     "What's going on in there?" Derrick asks me, studying me intently. I'm still thinking about my longing for the radical salvation, the radical faith of Nicky Cruz, I've never experienced God like that, an intense joy, an intense passion, I've hungered for it.
     "Nothing."
     "It's not nothing." he contradicts. I'm silent for a moment, finally I start,
     "I read Run Baby Run when I was young." he nods with a smile
     "Okay." He seems satisfied with that but I press forwards,
     "It really inspired me and I've always wanted that radical, passionate relationship with God. I'm sick of being the half-way, lukewarm Christian. If I ever recommit my life to God it's going to be everything. I told my sister a while back, it's all or nothing, I'm not going to be in between anymore."
     "I respect that." he smiles. "That's great."
     As an assignment, he asks me to work on getting to know God, not giving my life to God, just getting to know who God is,
     "How?" I ask.
     "What are we doing?"
     "Talking?" That's how I'm supposed to get to know God, talk to Him... listen, get to know who He really is.
     If I can somehow separate my view of a demanding, judging God and look at Him as this God that Derrick represents Him to me as... a loving, compassionate, passionate, wild God, asking me to surrender yes but not go through the motions... He wants my heart, a relationship... If I can somehow get to know that God...I want to know Him.
     I know He has a future for me. I know I was created to do big things for Him, I'm going to change the world... even if it's just a tiny part of it. Why else would he give me this fearless, intense passion for people, this independence, He gave me a strong will... I don't give up easily... He's gotta have a plan for that. Why else would the devil fight so hard to keep me from finding God's will for my life, from a relationship with Him? Through fights with my parents, through my own pride... through all those sermons that I get just as I'm opening up to God that slam all the doors of my heart tightly shut again... It's ironic how Satan is just confirming in my mind that God has a plan for me...
     But I first have to come to healing, first have to learn to trust, first have to get over my self and my own pride and willfulness before any of these gifts God has given me will be of any use to anyone. And every day I waste is one less day I could be living for God... But I'm not ready yet... If God wants my heart, He's going to have to do some major fighting for me... Like my boyfriend... There's a lot of things He'll have to prove me wrong on, a lot of walls and ideas he'll have to break down...But He is the creator after all, He created me, He obviously knows the way to win my heart. For now, no more in between for me. You're cold or your sold out! 

Delaying Grieving

     I dream a lot about you, and you're always right here with me again. Often I know you're there but no one else does and I hate waking back up to reality. I write, the tears I've held back for so long finally streaming down my cheeks. It's a relief in a way, but it hurts! I miss you. Every step of the way, I see your pictures, I see your letters, people mention you and it's all enough to make me cry. I miss your prayers. It's weird for me to say that when I've so rejected Christianity and the very thought of someone praying for me usually really annoys me, but sometimes I wonder if your prayers were the only thing holding me back from the edge, because as soon as you left, my world crashed over the edge of the cliff and is currently a disaster! Does the pain fade? Will it be okay again? I thought that just maybe I would never be able to grieve you leaving us. But here over a year later It's hitting me like a train!
I miss you!