God, I need you!

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this!"?

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now!*

I'm singing these words with all of my heart over and over as I wash dishes. The house is empty as everyone else is at church so I keep replaying the song. "God, I need you now!" I'm silently crying out for strength. 

Last night I realized something again as I drove home alone, begging God to keep me awake and bring me safely home; God, I need you! As I worked to stay between the lines pretty much alone on the road, I had a conversation with God that went like this, 

 

Me: What if I died tonight? But God has plans for my life, He wouldn't let me die yet, and the baby, He has a reason for bringing my baby into this world. My time isn't now. God, You wouldn't let me die yet. What about that one person that I feel You're wanting me to share You with?

God: Anna, You think I NEED you to make my plans work out? If I can bring you into their life, I can bring someone else!

Wow! That realization brought me back down to Earth real quick. God doesn't NEED me! I might be blessed enough to be a part of His plans for someone's life, but it's not about me! It's about Him! He doesn't NEED any of us! So just because I strongly feel that God has a plan for my life, I don't know what that is and it doesn't mean that He needs me! It doesn't mean that He needs me here! I realized that God could use my death as much as my life to touch people. And I had to come to the point where as much as I want to live, I want to see my baby and my grandchildren, I want to see what happens with my life. God's plan is the best plan and if He is going to use my life or if He is going to use my death, I'm okay with that. I get so prideful thinking I'm something special, I'm not! 

I've had several people who I've shared with, my struggles and what I'm learning through trusting God and giving up, telling me I've been an encouragement to them. This is so humbling and exciting to me. The fact that I screwed up the first eighteen years of my life story struggling to find something to fill up the emptiness, trying to make the story a good one, and finally when I've got writers block so bad, I can see the story is a mess and never will be any good as long as I keep writing it. I lay down the pen and God steps in and says see all these mistakes? See everything about this story that you think is a failure? I'm going to take these pages and I'm going to make this story amazing beyond your wildest imagination. I'm going to take the scars and your broken dreams and turn them into something so beautiful you could never have dreamed up something this wonderful. The fact that God turns my deepest struggles, my weakness into something that can be a testimony for Him is beyond me.

And He never gives up on us! That's the thing that amazes me most about His love. No matter how bad we screw up, how many times we get turned around or fail, He's always there for us waiting like the father of the prodigal son, waiting with welcoming arms and forgiveness, unconditional love regardless of what we have done. A friend shared this verse with me this week;

 "Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with Him, we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him. If we disown Him, He will also disown us; if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself!" -2 Timothy 2:11-13  

The part I underlined, ...if we are faithless, He will remain faithful... really stuck out to me. No matter who we are or how much we sin, God remains the same!  

I want so bad to be consumed by Him! Passionately follow Him and shine His love to the world. I don't want to be half way in, lukewarm or mediocre I want to be on fire and one with Him! When I was praying about this, asking God to let me be a testimony to the world, He showed me that if we want to be trusted with God's big jobs, we have to learn to be faithful in the small things. In order to love the world, I have to start right here with my little corner. His greatest lessons, His boot camp starts right here with my family. The people who know me and my imperfections and who I know their's. If I can learn to love and serve the people right here surrounding me right now, my brothers and my sisters, if I can love and respect my parents, God can use me to touch the world. I'm looking for a mission and I already have one right here, my friends need to hear about God as much as anyone, and my family needs love just as much as anyone else out there. 

He is so good! So patient and loving. Forgiving, giving me grace again and again as I lose faith, stumble in this journey and mess up. The grace and love He has shown me, just in this last week amazes me! I am so thankful for hope and forgiveness! 

*The lyrics that started this post off are from  Need You Now (How Many Times) by Plumb.