Dad..

Note: wrote this father's day n didn't post it but every day should be a day to appreciate the ppl in our life so really it's fitting anytime :)

My mom has always told us children we have a good dad. She reminds us of his great qualities and strengths. Honesty integrity and diligence. He's set an example of being an upright and godly man. Its taken me most of my teenage years and a lot of healing to see these qualities in him.
For a while all I could see was his human qualities. But I'm finally to the point where I can look back and honestly be thankful for him. No one parents perfectly but he's been a good dad.
I regret the fights we had now, the horrible things I said at times, chaining him out of my heart. The years of time with him I lost.
Dad is a people person. He's good at taking time for relationships, including us.
Every year he has made a point to make time and money to bring us to the North Shore as a family. Dad is good at just forgetting the world and focusing on making memories with us during these trips.
Dad has been one of the best examples of believing in people I know. He always thinks the best of people even after they've let him down.
We had some really rough years but he never once gave up on me. He may not have always been there for his family like we thought he should but he's worked hard to give us the best life and I appreciate that.
Today, I am thankful for him being in my life. Happy fathers day dad!

Healing

"Can I ask a question?"
"I'm always up for a question."
"When you ask forgiveness does peace come right away?"
It caught me off guard a bit. Got me thinking. Does the peace come immediately? I thought back to the night my life changed. I couldn't sleep, the thought kept haunting me 'what if I don't wake up tomorrow?' I finally gave in and told Him 'fine you can have my life but you're gonna have to do the work'. And I think the peace was immediate because I don't remember anything after that, all I know is I fell asleep.
That night I didn't ask forgiveness but I had made a step in that direction. My heart was willing and it was good enough for Him.
Since then He has brought things to me... little things, big things, things I never even realized were sin and in asking forgiveness He gives me peace.
So I told him yes.
"If you truly get free and are genuine about it...yes the peace is immediate."
He doesn't always give us peace without a struggle though. There are many things I've struggled with over and over and even though I long to be free and I know every time I ask He forgives me for failing again, I find myself back where I started.
Peace comes with freedom and freedom comes with a price.
But when you do find that freedom you find healing.
Just months ago I was so lost and desperately empty. The pain had gotten to a point I never thought I could heal from. Regrets dragged at me and I was so broken I couldn't imagine what being ok felt like.
Tonight I realized how much my view of life and  people has changed. I can see the good in people again...even men. I even look at myself differently. I'm truly confident in who I am and in my worth.
That is what comes with forgiveness. Not just peace but freedom and healing too! And why wait? What is there to lose by asking for it... absolutely nothing!
Psalm 82:5
You forgave the iniquity of your people you covered all of their sin...
I love that. Over and over in the last couple of days the verses jumping out at me have been about God forgiving us. Being ready to forgive us over and over no matter how many times we mess up.
Legalism bothers me... religion. Because that's not what God intended!
"I feel like I have more peace than most Christians. I have a hard time believing it's real."
Yeah me too sometimes... but it shouldn't be! Its not about how you dress or talk or where you go to church. None of those make you a better person! Christianity isn't a rule book. Christianity is a relationship with our Creator!
People get too hung up on how you look and act, judging your actions .. I'm guilty of it. But its just a waste of time. Too much time is focused on each others faults and not enough on showing people Christ. Encouragement goes further than criticism. And it's never too late for healing and forgiveness with God.

Dying

He's drowning, each time he resurfaces gasps for one last breath before being sucked back into death's grip, he's thinking this is it. By some miracle his friend sees his danger and adrenaline propels him against the current to the boat and drags it back the 15 feet to the drowning man. One more time going down and he would have been done. Watching from the shore, utterly helpless are his brother and sister in law.
The scene that seemed to last years is over in minutes.
When he talks about it now I tear up. The realization that we came that close to losing him is horrifying. Sobering.
When you stare death in the face and survive it shakes you to the core.
One night late I was driving my drunk friend home, she waspassed out in the passenger seat.I crossed a highway after looking both ways and seeing no one. I was hardly to the other side when headlights sped past me in my rearview mirror. I hadn't seen them and I barely missed them. Impact like that would have killed her for sure maybe both of us.
People die every day in the least expected ways and moments. You can't go through life fearing death but it should make you think. Are you ready? If you died today would you be ready to meet your Maker?
His mercy amazes me, extending grace day by day telling death "they are not ready yet don't take their soul I'm not done with them."
How many chances will He give us though? How many times will He intercede? Death is not something to take lightly. Its never too early to be ready tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Before the Dawn

I want to give up.
We all are so close to giving in.
Weary knees and prayers that seem to fall on deaf ears.
Watching him being torn apart day by day.
She's like a wrecking ball.
He's too weak to stand against the attacks. Even stone wears down and crumbles. And us humans aren't made of steel, bendable but not breakable.
Our aching hearts can't hold on much longer. There comes a point when all the pain gets so much you quit feeling.
It feels hopeless.
But then I'm reminded, it took almost six years of seemingly unanswered prayers, fasting, loving, advice that I just turned away from. It took me hitting rock bottom and making a mess I could never fix, putting myself and my family through things we never should have had to go through. And yet they kept praying and loving and God kept working until we broke through to a better place.
All the desperate pleas for this to end aren't being sent to an empty heaven. There is a God up there, holding us together, even if it is just barely, while we walk through this. And there is a God with a plan still working in His child's heart.
We can feel the struggle and pain  and that is how we know there's still hope.
If God hasn't given up neither can we.
It is always darkest before the dawn. Right now it's hell of dark we can feel the struggle intensify and our hearts yearn for a break through.
But we can't give in now not when morning is so close, not before this story is over...