Footprints

     Surrender isn't a one time thing. 

     Surrender is a continuous battle with self to '...raise our white flags...'* to give the pen back to God. 

     It is a pen too, that's why when we write our stories they're such a mess. We continually make mistakes and have to scribble them out. The paper ends up a mess of sin stains and failure, illegible scribbling. But when He writes, the penmanship is beautiful and there's not a single mistake. So why then do we feel the need to be in control? 

     There's such a peace that comes with surrender, knowing that He is in control.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

-Romans 8:28 NIV

     The first little while of this new walk with God was easy. I felt Him right next to me, He felt so real, I could hear Him talking to me, most of my quiet moments were spent praying, I felt victorious in Him. Then something happened and I clammed up, I got scared. I told someone once,  

     "Every time I get close to someone, I shut down 'cause I'm too afraid."  

     I'm afraid that it's not real. I felt like those fears were confirmed in His silence, like He had left me. I was trying to control my own destiny again. I was stressed out, depressed, I felt deserted. I mentioned this to mom and she reminded me of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" 

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from 

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord, 

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during 

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

-Mary Stevenson 

     A couple of years ago I was in a girls' bible study, I don't really remember much of what was taught but one illustration has stuck out to me and is still clear in my mind, the image that the leader gave us of our hands being clenched into fists, holding onto what we have because we are too afraid to let go, but if we open our hands to Him, He is waiting to give us something so much better. 

     That day when I realized my fists were clenched again, I felt forsaken and so I'd taken everything back into my hands forgetting to trust Him and forgetting the promise in Deuteronomy 31:6b 

...He will never leave you nor forsake you.

     I gave it back to Him. 

     This morning the words that wrote themselves on my diary's pages were these,  

"I feel so calm about everything right now..."  

     He gave me peace. 

     

     Peace and joy about this pregnancy I've been fighting against.

     Peace about that boy that's been depressing me. 

     

     Peace about the job I so want.

     And peace about moving. 

     I got an unexpected call from a friend Saturday morning while I was making breakfast. During our conversation we talked about surrender.

     "Surrendering our lives to God is so hard sometimes." I told him, pouring another pancake into the hot pan.

     "It is!" he agreed, "But when we do get to that place, it is such a good feeling!" 

     I've realized that he is so right! When we finally can open up our hands, hold them skyward and with all of our hearts say, "Your will be done God!" the calm is absolutely amazing! 

     I'm not a hundred percent clear of the dark, but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see that the single set of footprints behind me are His not mine, and that He is carrying me!

*White Flag - Chris Tomlin