Accident Prone?

     What is it with me and fishtailing all over roads?! I'm getting the feeling that I'm just accident prone. Almost went ditch jumping twice on the way home from class this evening. This fresh wet snow melting all over the roads is not very friendly to turning car tires. But I'm home safe so I change into comfy clothes and brew some coffee with a hint of vanilla and sit down to blog. I'm really not looking forwards to this winter driving stuff, but in reality, just give me a dark, curvy back road and a couple deer doing a photo shoot in the middle of the highway, (seriously? Hasn't anyone taught them that photo shoots on frequently driven highways is dangerous? Even at 2 AM.) regardless of slippery tar or not, I can manage to land myself in the ditch.
     It was late, Angel and I had been hanging out in Bemidji all evening and she wanted to go home so I agreed to drive her out to Laporte as I really wasn't tired or ready to be in bed myself yet, despite the fact that I knew when my alarm rang in 5 hours I would think differently about it. Driving down 45, radio on, talking to Angel, with my cruise set at a comfortable 60, the fact that deer frequent this road after dark, never crossing my mind until I looked up as we were coming around a turn and my headlights illuminated three of them strung out across the road. People say your life flashes before your eyes in moments like that, but mine didn't. I think dying did cross my mind as I slammed too hard on the brakes and the car spun sideways, we narrowly missed an approach, things like 'we're going to hit that sign, or roll or something!' crossed my mind. After doing a complete spin across the highway and landing in the opposite ditch facing the road, I paused a few seconds so my mind could catch up with what was happening. The pungent odor of burned rubber filled the car. Angel who wasn't wearing a seat belt was practically in my lap. Shakiness and complete calm fought over my body and my first thought after making sure she was okay were, 'I've wrecked mom's car!' the brakes were locked up and the gas was unresponsive. My second thought after I leaned back against the seat and took a deep shaky breath was, "I've really gotta pee! Maybe I'll just get out and go there are no cars. Never mind it's too cold." with that decision made, I made a couple more unsuccessful attempts to get the car driving and then as a last resort turned it off. It started right up and I drove the rest of the way to her house mostly silent. After dropping her off and as I headed back towards Bemidji alone, I started really thinking about what had happened, that's when I began shaking, as the adrenaline wore off.
     "Thank you God for protecting us!" I prayed silently.
     "Anna you need Me!" the words rang distinctly through my thoughts and tears filled my eyes.
     "I know! Please be patient with me! Keep working on me God!"
     As I passed the black skid marks on the road home, I couldn't help thinking, God had angels there guiding us. And as I continued to replay it in my mind the next week or so, even now, I am convinced there is no possible way that we could have walked away from that with only sore muscles, without God's protection. I'm also convinced that God has a plan for our lives, if only we could quit wasting our time caught up in our own selfish and minuscule goals we're set on.
     When I told my parents, they said that dad was up late and as he did his late night stuff, he prayed for us. I'm so thankful for those prayers, maybe the only thing that pulled me through yet another stupid teenage accident.
     I thought for the longest time that I was unlucky or something of the sort because I always got caught in everything I did, always got in trouble, and I really hated the way God and my parents seemed to be working together against me to make me miserable, (oh the trials of being a rebellious adolescent!) but maybe I'm not so unlucky, because all those times that I did stupid things and was sneaking around, the consequences could have been so much worse, I actually find myself very blessed for way God has protected me so far through my stupidity.
     Anyways to my loyal readers, thanks to you who have had a part in praying for me, I definitely need it! And finally, enjoy this cozy, white frosting like snow and drive safe! 

Borrowing from the World

     The truck is warm and my mind is jam packed full of all sorts of thoughts tormenting me. I zone out on the red taillights of the truck in front of me, set my cruise at 60 and light a cigarette. I'm starting to feel depressed, thinking about my grades in my college classes, determining once again that am going to try harder, make up my grades. Subconsciously a silent prayer runs through my mind "God I need you to help me!" the words I've whispered in my thoughts a million times. Every time I run into a hard spot, every time I know I can't do it on my own. The radio is playing low and I realize that the station Aaron has it set to is the Christian station. I turn it up and soak up the worship.
     The course of my thoughts turn to Christianity, the subject I've been struggling against for so long. Fighting against God, telling him no no I'm not ready. Terrified to be bound by religion. I am an extremist. I can't help it. Everything is black and white for me. I try and make things grey and they turn fuzzy. It's either right or it's wrong there is no 'maybe it's okay' in between in my mind. For me if I decided to recommit my life, absolutely everything would change and I'm terrified of change. I'm hungry for change, something different and exciting, new. I'm restless, but I look outside that plane window and despite the fact that I have a parachute on my back, I cower back, the jump to make the change is what terrifies me. I'm comfortable. Miserable yes, but comfortable.
     "An hour of the best Christian dance music coming up." the announcer on the radio breaks through my thoughts, followed by a 10 second preview of hip-hop/rap style music with Christian lyrics. A sudden frustration wells inside of me.
     As Christians it sees like we try so hard to make sure we get in on the fun the world has, we copy the things that they're doing and put the label "Christian" on them so that we can still live our holy lives. We try to combine the world and holiness. But in reality are we really doing any more than blurring the lines? Trying to find that grey, 'maybe it's okay', in between right and wrong. Like I said I'm an extremist and I'm not trying to point fingers. I just feel frustrated with this. And trying to find my own balance, fearing giving up everything, then swinging to a grey line that says 'no, I can recommit and then work from there I don't have to jump from sinner to holy just because I ask God to change me.' But what is the balance?        And finally, this is a little off topic but another thing about the whole right or wrong, grey lines thing been bugging me lately; Christians, please practice what you preach. Know your argument. Stick to it. If you want to profess something, make sure that when I question it, when I look at your life and ask 'are they living it?' that you have solid, convincing answers to my questions about why you believe it, not just some 'God is mysterious' crap. I know that no one is perfect, regardless, but if you preach it, know it and most of all LIVE it! 

How do you know they are changed?

     I read this post and it really struck me. This is such an issue, especially child molesters but really anyone who has been categorized as a sexual offender tends to get this really bad rep, they are instantly the lowest of lows and there is no hope for them, despite their being forgiven by God or changed, there's always that fear and mistrust. What is the line, what is safe, what's being smart and what is just unnecessary holding on to the past.
     Coming from the other side, this is really a big issue... besides murdering someone, probably one of the worst things you can do to possibly hurt and scar someone is to sexually abuse them. Sexual abuse affects even family and other people close to the victim in a huge way and turns lives completely upside down. But when is it time to let go and forgive and look at the offender as if they are really truly changed?
     I've seen the abusers change, it can happen! And if God can forgive and accept them back, how can we still hold this sin over their heads? Who are we to judge when our sins are equal in God's eyes?

http://ragamuffinsoul.com/2010/10/christians-and-their-molestation-problem/

Halloween

     I happened across the link to this blog post on a friend's Facebook wall. She's got some really good points that maybe we need to consider. I was with a friend last night helping her bring her kid around trick or treating. Bemidji was really really dead in comparison to most Halloween nights and a good percent of the houses were dark. I kind of had mixed feelings about participating in the events. I'm not totally sure what I think about Halloween, I've been raised strictly against it but I thought that these posts kind of put a new light on it and the people who celebrate it, for me. The author of this blog is by no means condoning the holiday, but her response to the way Christians respond to the holiday made me really think. What are your thoughts?

On Halloween

Give Them Potatoes