Footprints

     Surrender isn't a one time thing. 

     Surrender is a continuous battle with self to '...raise our white flags...'* to give the pen back to God. 

     It is a pen too, that's why when we write our stories they're such a mess. We continually make mistakes and have to scribble them out. The paper ends up a mess of sin stains and failure, illegible scribbling. But when He writes, the penmanship is beautiful and there's not a single mistake. So why then do we feel the need to be in control? 

     There's such a peace that comes with surrender, knowing that He is in control.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

-Romans 8:28 NIV

     The first little while of this new walk with God was easy. I felt Him right next to me, He felt so real, I could hear Him talking to me, most of my quiet moments were spent praying, I felt victorious in Him. Then something happened and I clammed up, I got scared. I told someone once,  

     "Every time I get close to someone, I shut down 'cause I'm too afraid."  

     I'm afraid that it's not real. I felt like those fears were confirmed in His silence, like He had left me. I was trying to control my own destiny again. I was stressed out, depressed, I felt deserted. I mentioned this to mom and she reminded me of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" 

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from 

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord, 

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during 

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you."

-Mary Stevenson 

     A couple of years ago I was in a girls' bible study, I don't really remember much of what was taught but one illustration has stuck out to me and is still clear in my mind, the image that the leader gave us of our hands being clenched into fists, holding onto what we have because we are too afraid to let go, but if we open our hands to Him, He is waiting to give us something so much better. 

     That day when I realized my fists were clenched again, I felt forsaken and so I'd taken everything back into my hands forgetting to trust Him and forgetting the promise in Deuteronomy 31:6b 

...He will never leave you nor forsake you.

     I gave it back to Him. 

     This morning the words that wrote themselves on my diary's pages were these,  

"I feel so calm about everything right now..."  

     He gave me peace. 

     

     Peace and joy about this pregnancy I've been fighting against.

     Peace about that boy that's been depressing me. 

     

     Peace about the job I so want.

     And peace about moving. 

     I got an unexpected call from a friend Saturday morning while I was making breakfast. During our conversation we talked about surrender.

     "Surrendering our lives to God is so hard sometimes." I told him, pouring another pancake into the hot pan.

     "It is!" he agreed, "But when we do get to that place, it is such a good feeling!" 

     I've realized that he is so right! When we finally can open up our hands, hold them skyward and with all of our hearts say, "Your will be done God!" the calm is absolutely amazing! 

     I'm not a hundred percent clear of the dark, but at least now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see that the single set of footprints behind me are His not mine, and that He is carrying me!

*White Flag - Chris Tomlin

     

The Struggle

 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

 And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the Lord; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (KJV)

It must be frustrating to God, finally winning a soul into his kingdom and then Satan swoops down trying to take it back. The war between the spiritual worlds, between God and Satan, the believers praying and Satan attacking. It's discouraging at times when all we can feel is the darkness and it closes in so oppressing on us as we struggle to fight it off.

 

The last few days have been a struggle for me. A struggle to remain a follower. I can just feel the draw back, the tempting voice;

"It's too hard it's never going to get easier. Look at what you're being asked to give up, all the fun and pleasure of the world, people, relationships and for what?" 

A couple of nights ago I hit a horrible low, God just seemed to disappear, His silence terrified me, the thought that last summer was going to be repeated and I was going to lose my faith again made me ache. I fought the darkness, screaming at God, 

"No! I won't let You go this time! I won't lose You again, You can't leave me God! Please stay with me!" I begged and cried feeling desperate and lost. 

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:13

The verse that God has given to me, the promise that when we seek Him with all of our heart, we will find Him. And He's not silent forever. 

Tuesday was a great day, I had coffee with mom, supper with Grandma and then got to see the new movie God's Not Dead in theater with Aaron, Sarah and Carrie, but laying in bed, probably over tired, still discouraged and feeling so alone, I cried out to God, 

"I can't do this anymore! I feel so discouraged, I just want to give up, it's too hard. I'm done trying it's on You." I cried to Him for probably a good hour, just begging Him to be there for me, give me something or someone.

I was exhausted but couldn't sleep, and then my cousin started texting me. We don't talk much and usually it's late at night but she is always a mood lifter and encouraging. Around 12:30 she finally went to bed and I told the other friend I was talking to that I needed sleep. He's always been my 'bestie' we talk quite a bit and are pretty close but rarely share too deeply. We said good night, I turned over exhausted and tried to get comfortable when my phone went off once more, 

"...and hey I just wanna say ur the best friend someone could ask for and I'm glad ur my best friend I love you bestie :) ur awesome..."

I think I almost cried, realizing what God had done. The thing is, this friend and me, we don't usually talk like that, and he could have had no clue how down I was, I had been trying to be positive all day. 

It's amazing how God looks out for us, He stretches us but never breaks us. He knows us each intimately and knows what we can handle. The Christian life may seem all hard, when sometimes He asks us to give up everything, to walk by faith, blindly following Him into the darkness of unknown paths. But with surrender, comes peace and joy, He doesn't ask us to obey to hurt us or make our lives hard, He asks us to give up the world so that we can have something so much better, eternity with Him! The knowing that when this life is over we have Heaven to look forwards to, and that is by far more amazing than anything that we could enjoy on earth.