The truck is warm and my mind is jam packed full of all sorts of thoughts tormenting me. I zone out on the red taillights of the truck in front of me, set my cruise at 60 and light a cigarette. I'm starting to feel depressed, thinking about my grades in my college classes, determining once again that am going to try harder, make up my grades. Subconsciously a silent prayer runs through my mind "God I need you to help me!" the words I've whispered in my thoughts a million times. Every time I run into a hard spot, every time I know I can't do it on my own. The radio is playing low and I realize that the station Aaron has it set to is the Christian station. I turn it up and soak up the worship.
The course of my thoughts turn to Christianity, the subject I've been struggling against for so long. Fighting against God, telling him no no I'm not ready. Terrified to be bound by religion. I am an extremist. I can't help it. Everything is black and white for me. I try and make things grey and they turn fuzzy. It's either right or it's wrong there is no 'maybe it's okay' in between in my mind. For me if I decided to recommit my life, absolutely everything would change and I'm terrified of change. I'm hungry for change, something different and exciting, new. I'm restless, but I look outside that plane window and despite the fact that I have a parachute on my back, I cower back, the jump to make the change is what terrifies me. I'm comfortable. Miserable yes, but comfortable.
"An hour of the best Christian dance music coming up." the announcer on the radio breaks through my thoughts, followed by a 10 second preview of hip-hop/rap style music with Christian lyrics. A sudden frustration wells inside of me.
As Christians it sees like we try so hard to make sure we get in on the fun the world has, we copy the things that they're doing and put the label "Christian" on them so that we can still live our holy lives. We try to combine the world and holiness. But in reality are we really doing any more than blurring the lines? Trying to find that grey, 'maybe it's okay', in between right and wrong. Like I said I'm an extremist and I'm not trying to point fingers. I just feel frustrated with this. And trying to find my own balance, fearing giving up everything, then swinging to a grey line that says 'no, I can recommit and then work from there I don't have to jump from sinner to holy just because I ask God to change me.' But what is the balance? And finally, this is a little off topic but another thing about the whole right or wrong, grey lines thing been bugging me lately; Christians, please practice what you preach. Know your argument. Stick to it. If you want to profess something, make sure that when I question it, when I look at your life and ask 'are they living it?' that you have solid, convincing answers to my questions about why you believe it, not just some 'God is mysterious' crap. I know that no one is perfect, regardless, but if you preach it, know it and most of all LIVE it!
The course of my thoughts turn to Christianity, the subject I've been struggling against for so long. Fighting against God, telling him no no I'm not ready. Terrified to be bound by religion. I am an extremist. I can't help it. Everything is black and white for me. I try and make things grey and they turn fuzzy. It's either right or it's wrong there is no 'maybe it's okay' in between in my mind. For me if I decided to recommit my life, absolutely everything would change and I'm terrified of change. I'm hungry for change, something different and exciting, new. I'm restless, but I look outside that plane window and despite the fact that I have a parachute on my back, I cower back, the jump to make the change is what terrifies me. I'm comfortable. Miserable yes, but comfortable.
"An hour of the best Christian dance music coming up." the announcer on the radio breaks through my thoughts, followed by a 10 second preview of hip-hop/rap style music with Christian lyrics. A sudden frustration wells inside of me.
As Christians it sees like we try so hard to make sure we get in on the fun the world has, we copy the things that they're doing and put the label "Christian" on them so that we can still live our holy lives. We try to combine the world and holiness. But in reality are we really doing any more than blurring the lines? Trying to find that grey, 'maybe it's okay', in between right and wrong. Like I said I'm an extremist and I'm not trying to point fingers. I just feel frustrated with this. And trying to find my own balance, fearing giving up everything, then swinging to a grey line that says 'no, I can recommit and then work from there I don't have to jump from sinner to holy just because I ask God to change me.' But what is the balance? And finally, this is a little off topic but another thing about the whole right or wrong, grey lines thing been bugging me lately; Christians, please practice what you preach. Know your argument. Stick to it. If you want to profess something, make sure that when I question it, when I look at your life and ask 'are they living it?' that you have solid, convincing answers to my questions about why you believe it, not just some 'God is mysterious' crap. I know that no one is perfect, regardless, but if you preach it, know it and most of all LIVE it!
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